Shifa Ahmed was 15 when she lost her mother in the Christchurch terror attack.
The now 21-year-old, who is featured in an episode of the new series Ahi Wānanga, shares what grief was like as a teen, what she wished she knew then and the positive influence it later had on her life.
Ahmed was in school when she saw news articles of a mosque shooting in her city — the mosque her parents went to.
She immediately wondered if her father, Farid, who’s in a wheelchair, was able to get out.
“My mother wasn’t really in mind because I was like, ‘Oh she can run. She’s fine’,” she says.
But when she got home, she saw a row of cars outside their house. Her mum, Husna, was nowhere in sight.
She walked up to her dad and asked him where her mum was.
“She is with Allah now,” he said.
Earlier that morning, her mum had driven her to school like she always did. And like every other morning, they would tell each other they loved each other.
Except this time, the one time they had a small (and rare) argument, Shifa says she didn’t say “I love you” back to her mother.
“Suddenly, now you’re telling me that she’s never going to come home? Those moments in the car were actually the last moments I had with her?
“It just made me miserable for so long.”
Letting go of the guilt
One of the things she wished she knew about grief as a teen was to “not let the guilt weigh you down”.
In the early stages of her grief, Shifa says she felt guilty over her last moments with her mother.
“I was talking to my dad and if I looked at the bigger picture, I knew my mum loved me, she knew I loved her. One mess up doesn’t change everything.”
Her father also told her that when her mother went home, she was excited to see Shifa after school. “The guilt kind of came from nowhere,” she says.
“What a lot of people do after these traumatic events is they continuously spend a lot of time thinking about the past… The one wrong you did.
“That constant debating can actually be quite dangerous because it keeps you sucked into the negative memories.”
Shifa says she now has a rule to never leave a loved one with an argument.
Resilience and forgiveness as a conscious decision
A conversation with her dad on the day of the terror attack helped her decide how she would approach grief, she says.
Her dad asked her two things:
“Should we be broken down with grief or should we be resilient and move forward?”
“How should we feel towards the killer? Either we feel angry and spiteful, or we can forgive, feel kindness and clean our hearts?”
She says those questions were too burdensome for a 15-year-old but it was also the turning point for her grief journey.
She chose resilience and forgiveness.
“I felt sorry for the killer because he must have had a pretty messed up upbringing that his perspective of Muslim people was somehow narrowed and poisoned.
“It was just a shame that he couldn’t see the beauty of our community and felt the need to eradicate us.”
What grief was like as a young person
For Shifa, there was mourning, numbness, staying in bed, not eating or drinking.
She says her dad allowed her to move at her own pace and took the brunt of dealing with people expressing their sympathies, because she didn’t want people to see her mourn.
But she kept her friends close. She says they helped her by simply talking to her about normal teenage things.
“They would talk about what was happening in school, all the drama, everything. It kind of gave me a sense of normality.”
What is often forgotten, she says, is that her friends were also 15 and they suddenly had to help her navigate an unexpected grief.
Shifa says they weren’t prepared yet they learned about grief and how to help someone out of it.
“I told my friends I felt guilty and selfish that they were spending so much time uplifting me, when I never acknowledged they were stressed at the time,” she says.
“They replied saying that people help each other voluntarily, and if they found it difficult, they could have easily left, but they didn’t because they genuinely cared.”
Shifa says it’s okay to let yourself fall sometimes, as long as you have people to catch you.
“You’re young, you are allowed to take your time to learn… Though just because we are young does not mean we don’t have the capacity to be strong.”
What her grief taught her
Shifa says she learned how awful grief could be and how important it is for people to receive compassion during emotionally tumultuous times.
This is why she decided to study psychology and anthropology at university — to help others.
“If I hadn’t gone through grief, I don’t think I would have been so in tune with human emotions.”
She says grief can have a positive influence on your life, by using it as a vehicle to help you grow.
“You understand where the emotions come from… I feel like wisdom comes from the ability to look at yourself and reflect on yourself, being brave enough to do that.”
She says it’s made her resilient. “I managed to survive losing my mum at 15 and I’m happy now. It gives you confidence in your abilities.”
At this point, Shifa says she wouldn’t even call what she’s experiencing grief anymore.
“Sometimes, when I think about her I feel upset, but it only lasts two minutes. Nowadays, I’m just more grateful that because of all these events, I learned so much out of it.”
She says in Islam they believe their souls go to the next life, so her mother’s physical presence may be gone, but her soul is still here.
“The connection between mother and daughter wasn’t completely cut.”
If she could tell her mother something now, she says she would start by thanking her for being a good role model and for a great childhood.
“When I think about her… now it’s just a warm feeling in my heart. There was a bit there where I was stuck but now, I’m living a pretty good adult life.”
This interview has been edited for clarity and length.
Ahi Wānanga (the fires of discussion) is a six-part web series exploring what identity, belonging and resilience is to 12 young people from Aotearoa’s Muslim and Māori communities. Watch Ahi Wānanga now on TVNZ+ and YouTube.
Made by Fourplait with the support of NZ On Air.
